Thread:Joanne Maniago/@comment-29570797-20160821000649/@comment-24965192-20160910061321

A good effort, but barely any improvements.

It may be long, but I think that emotions are still lacking. And it is mostly because of filler words such as "knew", "thought", "felt", and the such, which pulls the reader away from Michelle's feelings to the text itself. I found myself not caring for Michelle's leaving the world, instead, feeling like, "Hey, when is this going to be over soon?" 'This is a bad, bad'' sign. '''I can definitely spot the trouble in incorporating emotions into writing. But length has no matter in displaying emotions, it's how the text is written.

Besides, I know I've said that for a person dying, it feels like the world is slowing down. Yes, that's right—but for them! If Michelle could see El Rey walking to her, putting some things, and then leaving in that time frame, I'm pretty sure anyone would've died from their injuries by then. It's going too slowly.

There are also other flaws, but these two are the major ones.