Thread:Joanne Maniago/@comment-29570797-20160821000649/@comment-24965192-20160823134833

Thank you, Solon. I'll try to make this as short as possible and I've taken note that it's done in a rushed manner. So I'll mind not the grammatical errors and look into the style only.

Before that, I'd like to say it was a pleasure to read, even though it's short. The relationship between Elliot and Chieko was well put and the climax was executed nicely. I usually don't read fan fiction since I'm no fan of it, but every now and then, maybe I should read.

Now to the parts where I think needs fixing or reworking. Firstly, I think the way the story begins isn't needed. I personally suggest to immediately move with Elliot's never experiencing love rather than a short description of love on a big picture. I feel the first paragraph can drag the attention away from the story. I also think the last sentence wasn't done well either.

Secondly, I spotted parts where extra words that pull the attention away. For example, "He mostly was an immature person who often had a smug, bratty, attitude when it came to older people, most of the time." is not only long but also ineffective. I believe this one would be better: "Smug and bratty. Even if it came to older people." There are parts like these which can be chopped down into smaller and more effective sentences. Also, I think you should beware of using passive voice when describing action or scene.

Thirdly, I personally think head-jumping isn't a good option. Not in a story this short, I mean. I noticed perspective changes between Elliot and Chieko repeatedly and it may confuse readers. As this is a story solely based on Elliot (earlier paragraphs), I believe the narration should be kept to his thoughts only.

Fourthly, I'm extremely convinced that some researching should be done before executing some things. Especially the Japanese part. I believe readers may be appalled by the "showy" language part and may stop reading the story. It was written: "Kon'nichiwa 'yoi' 'soko' ni 'watashi' no ai 'wa', 'anata' o 'mouichido' 'kakuninshite' 'kudasai'." This is incorrect Japanese. Besides, I think it's unnecessary to put a translation when it's better to just put the Japanese words and italicize it. It brings out the realness of the story and of Chieko. Ah, my, that is long. Anyway, the story was written well. And I thank you for letting me to give you my critique. I hope my suggestions are taken, so your stories would be improved. Why not write a sequel to this? Hm?