Thread:Joanne Maniago/@comment-29570797-20160821000649/@comment-29570797-20160909130758

Koishi-Komeiji wrote: I believe there were barely any emotions. Just sadness, which would have been too obvious. If Michelle really wanted to reflect on her life in SOMBRA and her betrayal, she should have a fixed mind that she doesn't regret but feel vengeful and resentful instead, not hopelessness that her death was coming to her fast. I also think that if Michelle liked how the Bureau treated her, gratefulness should have come in, her gratitude for being taken in, for having helped them in their cases despite being short-lived. Then all that would be replaced with determination, wanting the Bureau to avenge her.

Also, I feel like Michelle's death had been rushed. When people are dying, I believe they tend to see the world slowing down before stopping--for them. She should be reflecting more than just about her life.

The last part was dull. From being emotional, the writing switched into complete narration. It should've been that she embraced her end, knowing that the Bureau would put an end to SOMBRA, which was what she wanted. The dialogue there could have been her thoughts instead of a whisper, being at the very end of the whole text. It would've been more effective there. Okay, I get what you are saying. I have taken what you said and have applied it to my new version over Michelle, after that, I will try with a different angle towards Chieko. Would you like to see the changes I made towards my Michelle piece?