Thread:Joanne Maniago/@comment-29570797-20160821000649/@comment-29570797-20160905030753

Koishi-Komeiji wrote: Bumping in again.

I noticed a lot of passive voice used. Active voice is much fitting. Be careful if you've used the passive voice, it drags the main point of action away from the reader. Here are example fixes, "As tears trickled down her face, Chieko slumped in agony.", "Redness colorized her sore eyes after crying.", "Her voice became more like a croak from her loud wailing." The rest of paragraph had all used the passive voice when the active voice should be used instead. The word "was" and "were" are big contributions of turning active into passive, so avoid it!

Besides, I think you should explain more in the last paragraph. How did Chieko know that Hiroshi was in Seoul? Plot holes are dangerous; try to rid of them.

That's all I have to touch upon. Thank you for letting me know that. I now know what I need to work on and improve.